Have you ever heard the quote "I can't control what happens but I can control how I react to it"? For the longest time I had NO IDEA what that meant. My coping skills were nil. My coping skills consisted of numbing activities. Things that made it easier just to not feel the pain. Anything from shopping and racking up credit card debt to eating, drinking or binging on mindless TV shows. I didn't know any better. Being numb was the easiest way to deal. Why would I want to truly FEEL these emotions anyway. They hurt.
I've been working on learning new skills for the past few years and they have truly been serving me well. My new skills consist of many things but meditation, yoga and gratitude have been the biggest helpers as of late. I now realize I am the babe with the power (anyone love Labyrinth as much as me?) and how I react is completely within my control.
Yesterday my new skills were tested to the max. Old Sarah was sitting there just waiting to come up to the surface. The girl who I had thought was put to rest just bubbled up and said "this would just be so much easier" I found myself wondering if I should go buy a new $150 jacket or a bottle of wine first. Those were my first thoughts when I was feeling gutted by the events of the day. The truth of it is that neither of these things ever brought me the release I wanted or the relief I desired. They just numbed the pain and helped me push it in deeper. Yesterday, instead of all of the old skills, I decided to just FEEL the emotion. I let it bubble out of me like a fountain. I felt all the heartache I had been holding back for years. All the heartache you push down when you love an addict. My baby brother is an addict. This is our reality.
I had not realized how compartmentalized I had made him. I had put him in a neat little box to not be dealt with because it hurt so bad to see him suffer. To know that I can do absolutely nothing to help him is what guts me. So instead of dealing with the pain I put him in his little box and went on with my life.
The problem here is that he was doing so well for a while. For the first time in years I allowed the little box to flourish and grow hope. I envision it like a tiny box with greenery coming from the top. The hope was growing. I knew that in this hope there would be pain when he fell again but still I allowed for the hope. The hope was that this would be the time he continued to grow and bloom! Alas, he is a king of self sabotage.
I've spent the last 20 hours grieving and mourning the hope. He is an addict and there is nothing I can do to help. I did a forgiveness meditation this morning and decided to just see him with love instead of the hurt I am feeling. I may need to do it a few times to get it to stick but I am so thankful for all that I have learned through self development and self exploration in the last few years. Otherwise I would probably be on the couch, hungover, feeling guilty for all I ate and bought yesterday with my husband wondering how much I put on the credit card after my bender.
If you find that you are a number. Just know there are other options out there for you. There really is a healthier way. I am the proof.
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